Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
