Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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