My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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