Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
