He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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