Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
