also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
