I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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