I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
