Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
