What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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