I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you would pick up someone in the library
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
