She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
