Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
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Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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