My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
