Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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