thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
