Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
