He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
