I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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