my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
