i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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