there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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