i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
either way he was missing a nipple.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
