So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
do herpes really smell.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
