also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
