I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
