just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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