I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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