It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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