Got a toothbrush?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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