Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
