i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
