White coat. Heels.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
