It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
