Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
