my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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