How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
