Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
