ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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