Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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