i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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