goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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