There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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