Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
