Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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