Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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