All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
