no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
