I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
