I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
