If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
