No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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