Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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