theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You're like the curious george of whores
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
