They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
